The Mommy Friend

I'm not sure if this is true for all mothers but I find friendship to be very difficult now that I have children. I became pregnant with L, when I was 23 years old, just a few months after getting married. I was young, and most other people my age were still going out regularly or just finishing up school. My world changed and completely revolved around someone else. Her needs and her schedule became the most important thing. Long talks on the phone became tricky. Nights out had to be planned and prepared for far in advance. I was a mother now and as amazing as it is, I lost track of what I needed too.

Over 3 years later and I am just now realizing what a toll this took on me personally. While I was at home changing diapers and washing bottles, my friends were all still together. Spending time together, making plans and hanging out. Sure they would call to invite me, every once and a while. After turning them down time after time, the calls began to stop. They knew as well as I did, that we were no longer in the same place.

It became easier and easier to isolate myself. Long days and nights at home. Weekends revolving around only family activities. It got better for awhile, when I went back to work, but even that was childcare and L was always with me. Then after D was born, it got even harder. Leaving the house with two-year-old and a new baby, felt almost impossible. People kept saying "join a mommy group" or "go to story time". Those were all great ideas, but I was still learning how to juggle being a mother of two and trips out felt overwhelming and scary.

It was like I forgot how to be Traci. New people, mothers especially made me nervous. I felt like I had been out of the game for awhile and had a constant fear of being judged. Of course, along with motherhood comes a change in body and image, or at least it did for me. Hair appointments were put off. I felt too exhausted and embarrassed to exercise. I hardly had the energy to throw some jeans in my cart at Target, let alone spend a day trying to put together outfits.I wanted so badly to find that new "best friend", that I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. If an outing didn't go exactly perfect, I felt like a failure. I was lonely.

 So that's it then. I can't be a mommy and have friends. I will stay home,be content and the rest won't matter! Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!! The rest did matter. There were weeks, when I wouldn't leave the house once unless it was to run to the store or go to a doctors appointment. My only interaction with other adults, besides my husband, was through facebook. For some reason, I found it easier to be "Traci" on the computer. I could comment and tell stories. I wasn't as scared to be myself. Having friends on facebook is completely different than friends in "real life". Although its nice to see what people are up too. I was still sitting behind a computer, in my pajamas, hiding from the world.

I also found myself being a little jealous of my husband. He is constantly being asked to do things and go places with friends. He put in the work to maintain his friendships and I didn't. He is amazing in every social situation and I am not. He is a social butterfly and I am socially awkward.

Writing has become one of the few ways that I express myself. I share things on this blog that I might never say to a stranger in other situations. The more I write, the more I begin to understand who I am. I'm not terrible at it either. The followers and comments give me confidence. Confidence that I have needed for a very long time.

Now that my kids are a bit older, it is getting easier. I am also lucky to have a supportive husband, who encourages me to do things for myself. I'm doing my best to connect or reconnect with people. I have found that other mothers are more understanding. They get it because they too are dealing with the same issues. That's not to say that I only want to be friends with mommies. It just seemed to be the first step. I want to be a better friend and have a more active social life. I am trying to get rid of the pressure and just take it one day at a time. Trying to convince myself that being a mother is not all that I am.