Over the past few years, I have been on a journey, to change my life.It started with changing my eating habits and walking daily. Then some simple workouts at home. In May of 2012, my husband and I made the decision to join a gym and in the Fall, I actually started going to fitness classes on a regular basis.
It hasn't been the easiest year of my life, to say the least, but I have made some amazing progress. Besides the weight loss, 65ish pounds, I have also made some great friends and done many things that I never thought possible.
So....... What am I struggling with and why do I feel the need to write about it?
For the past few months, I have been stuck. I began resenting the fact that after busting my ass and pushing myself to exhaustion, I still have so far to go. I started hating THAT GIRL. You know the one. The girl who couldn't resist a drive-thru, even when she wasn't hungry. The girl who mindlessly snacked, while sitting on the couch. The girl who drank no water but managed to chug several cokes a day. The girl who cried in every dressing room and then found a treat to make herself feel better. The girl who watched as her husband ran around and played with their children. The girl who dreaded a Facebook post that had pictures of her and immediately untagged herself. The girl who hid from social situations and cut friends out of her life because of embarrassment. The girl who laid in bed hating herself and then woke up to do it all over again the next day.
I hate her. I hate her for what she did to me. I hate her for making me work this hard and still be one of the slowest in every class. I hate her for the wasted years and for all of the pounds that I still have to lose. Despite all of this, I feel like its time to forgive her. Not for her sake of course, I still think she was an idiot, but for the sake of the "new me" because I cannot seem to move on, without letting her go.
Every time I slip up. Every time my eating gets out of control. Every time I miss a workout. I feel like she's back and I slowly begin to give up on myself again. I'm giving her too much control and maybe not enough credit. For all of the horrible things that she did, she is also the one who started this journey in the first place. She went to Zumba classes and Spin classes, even though she was alone, scared and intimidated. And she kept going. She didn't stop, even when the progress wasn't what she hoped it would be. She believed enough in herself, to face her fears and keep moving.
So, today I am putting those years behind me. I will no longer be afraid to turn into my old self again. I just have to trust in the changes that I have made and the people who have inspired me. I cannot carry her around anymore. I can't live in fear that I will look foolish, fall or fail. I need to believe in myself, and know that bad days, don't have to turn into bad years. I HAVE to forgive her.
