Looking Back On The Last Six Years!

Tomorrow, my husband and I, will celebrate six years of marriage. Six years of happiness, struggles, love, memories, tears and some of the best days of my life. Married in April, pregnant by June, we hit the ground running on our lives together as a family.

Our first year of marriage was challenging. Two people, in their early twenties, expecting their first baby. Still learning about what life would be like together. My pregnancy was rough. Filled with doctors appointments, tests, high blood pressure, bed rest and a very long labor. But then she came. Our sweet baby girl was healthy, beautiful and changed us both forever.

A month after Leah turned one, right around our second anniversary, we found out baby number 2 was on the way. This pregnancy too, was filled with many ups and downs. This time I had kidney stones and extreme anxiety. Again, we stood together, and worked through every issue. Our handsome little dude was born in December. We felt complete.

So that was the first three years in a nutshell. The next three were just as busy. Raising two small children and at the same time learning how to be "grown ups". Figuring it all out as we go. Through all of it, it's impossible to imagine any other person by my side. I've always known that he was the partner, I would share my life with.

He has supported me through postpartum,  and my battles with anxiety and depression. He's always made me feel beautiful, as I bounce back and forth between dress sizes and struggle to love myself. He's stepped up when I needed him, especially over the last few months as I adjusted to my back problems and pains. He's the most amazing daddy, friend and provider. I'm beyond proud of how much he's changed, how hard he works and the man he has become. We've been through a lot in our first six years but here we are. Still in love, still finding ways to make it all work and still believing in one another. Happy Anniversary Jon-Jon. Here's to many MANY more crazy, exciting, perfect years together!

Slow to stand, her body crackles beneath her with each step. Her movements slothful and exaggerated. Children play, husband runs and there she rests, simply an observer. She tosses and turns. She cries. She continues.
There's immense guilt over what she cannot control. There's exhaustion after what should be the simplest task.
Who is this person hunched over and sad? Frozen and stuck without an escape. She used to dream, to aspire, to wonder and now she sits with caution and fear.
Don't push it, they say. When there's pain you must halt. But she's needed. She's counted on. She's somebodies world. To walk away is not one of her choices.
So forward she moves though each stride is a struggle. She prays for relief but accepts that it may never come.

I HAVE To Forgive Her

It has been almost a year since I have written a blog post. I've been struggling lately, and coming to this page and sharing my feelings, seems to clear my head and give me some peace. So here I go again, baring my soul, in this very public way.

Over the past few years, I have been on a journey, to change my life.It started with changing my eating habits and walking daily. Then some simple workouts at home. In May of 2012, my husband and I made the decision to join a gym and in the Fall, I actually started going to fitness classes on a regular basis.

It hasn't been the easiest year of my life, to say the least, but I have made some amazing progress. Besides the weight loss, 65ish pounds, I have also made some great friends and done many things that I never thought possible.





So....... What am I struggling with and why do I feel the need to write about it?

For the past few months, I have been stuck. I began resenting the fact that after busting my ass and pushing myself to exhaustion, I still have so far to go. I started hating THAT GIRL. You know the one. The girl who couldn't resist a drive-thru, even when she wasn't hungry. The girl who mindlessly snacked, while sitting on the couch. The girl who drank no water but managed to chug several cokes a day. The girl who cried in every dressing room and then found a treat to make herself feel better. The girl who watched as her husband ran around and played with their children. The girl who dreaded a Facebook post that had pictures of her and immediately untagged herself. The girl who hid from social situations and cut friends out of her life because of embarrassment.  The girl who laid in bed hating herself and then woke up to do it all over again the next day.

I hate her. I hate her for what she did to me. I hate her for making me work this hard and still be one of the slowest in every class. I hate her for the wasted years and for all of the pounds that I still have to lose. Despite all of this, I feel like its time to forgive her. Not for her sake of course, I still think she was an idiot, but for the sake of the "new me" because I cannot seem to move on, without letting her go.

Every time I slip up. Every time my eating gets out of control. Every time I miss a workout. I feel like she's back and I slowly begin to give up on myself again. I'm giving her too much control and maybe not enough credit. For all of the horrible things that she did, she is also the one who started this journey in the first place. She went to Zumba classes and Spin classes, even though she was alone, scared and intimidated. And she kept going. She didn't stop, even when the progress wasn't what she hoped it would be. She believed enough in herself, to face her fears and keep moving.

So, today I am putting those years behind me. I will no longer be afraid to turn into my old self again. I just have to trust in the changes that I have made and the people who have inspired me. I cannot carry her around anymore. I can't live in fear that I will look foolish, fall or fail. I need to believe in myself, and know that bad days, don't have to turn into bad years. I HAVE to forgive her.

Yes, I'm An Interrupter. . . .

As we grow older, we become more aware of the qualities that we like and dislike in other people and in ourselves. Everyone has flaws. Things about themselves that they wish they could change. Things about themselves that they are aware of and try to work on. I AM AN INTERRUPTER.

 Now, I'm not saying that this is my one and only flaw. There are many but this is one that REALLY drives me crazy. I'm guessing, that's because it also drives me nuts when other people do it. The strange part is, that I would also consider myself to be a good listener. At least, I genuinely try to be. I care about what other people have to say and I love having deep conversations. Sharing and talking things out. It's so important.

I honestly, believe that I enjoy a good conversation so much, that I just get overly enthusiastic. The words just shoot out of my mouth, before the other person has had a chance to finish their thought. I swear, I don't do it on purpose. The moment that I realize, that I cut someone off, I immediately start beating myself up in my head. I feel like a creep and then try to keep my mouth shut for as long as possible. I get quiet, probably too quiet, because I want the other person to know that I am in fact listening to them.

I have posted before, that I can be socially awkward. When I am meeting someone new, I put a great deal of pressure on myself. I know that I come off as stuck up sometimes, simply because I have no clue how to act. I have been told by many people, that they thought this, when they first met me. I also put a great deal of pressure on myself, to be a "good" friend. I want people, to want to spend time with me. Who doesn't right? Interrupting others, might not seem like a huge deal to some people, but for me it's embarrassing. I can't stand that I do it. Then again, I don't want to be over thinking it so much, that people don't have a chance to get to know the "real" me.

So yes, I am an interrupter...... but I'm working on it :)

"Working" Vs. Staying Home

On Monday, I wrote about how much the role of housewife has changed since the 50's. There is one major difference, that I did not cover. THE JUDGEMENT, that comes along with staying home nowadays. Judgement from who? From other mothers, who work outside of the home.

I have noticed a lot of pins on Pinterest lately related to this topic. Here is an example:

I have the UTMOST respect for parents who work full-time and have children. I honestly don't know how they do it. I do not however have respect for those, who think that they are better than me.

Yes, you have a full-time job.... but guess what? While you are gone during the day, your house stays clean and your children are taken care of. That's the difference. My full-time job IS caring for my children. Would you judge someone who worked in childcare for being tired at the end of the day? No, because you would consider that "working".

MOST people have busy and stressful lives. I will never understand why we have to tear each other down, to feel like what we're doing is more worthwhile. MOST parents work hard. Anyone who has spent a few hours with a young child, understands this.

I realize by posting this blog, I am not going to change any ones mind or the stigma that comes along with being a SAHM. I just wish people would remember that parenting, is hard work, no matter the situation. No one way of doing it, is better than the other.

Not Your 50's Housewife

I am a SAHM and a wife, but sometimes the term "housewife" makes me cringe. Not because I believe there is anything wrong with being a housewife. Women fought for their rights and I think that making the choice to stay home, is also one of our many options. I don't care for the word housewife, because of what other people believe it means. They picture me barefoot and pregnant, standing in front of a sink full of dishes, contemplating what I will spend my allowance on this week.

I recently came across this article online. A guide to being a good wife from "Housekeeping Monthly" in 1955. I was surprised to find that I do agree with some of the points on the list . . . . . sorta.

http://j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm

I do try and have dinner done, when my husband gets home. The reason is because our kids like to eat early, and it's nice for all of us to be able to sit down together. My husband has never asked for this, or been upset on the MANY days, when it just doesn't work out that way.

If I have the extra time, I do try to clear away the clutter. I don't like walking into a room with toys all over the floor. It stresses me out. So I imagine, that he would feel the same way. This I do, because it makes our evening run smoother. Again, this has never been requested and I don't worry if I can't get to it in time.

Lastly, listen to him and don't greet him with complaints. I try to listen to what my husband has to say, but he also does the same for me. He cares about my day, the same way that I care about his. I do make a conscious effort not to bombard him with complaints the moment he walks in the door. I don't really want to hear him complain right away either. We usually save all of that for after dinner. Ha!

That's about it. As far as getting "ready" for him to come home. Most days I am still in comfy pants, with my hair pulled up, and no makeup on my face. This just isn't practical. Sure, I would like too look better at the end of the day, but just because it would probably make me feel better. If he doesn't love me in a sweatshirt and ponytail, then we have a major problem!

Staying at home, has certainly changed. Although, I will admit, I do like to feel like I am taking care of my husband, I also like when he takes care of me. When I do things like, pack him for a trip, it's not because I feel like I have to, it's because I want to. It makes me happy to do those things for him.

The way we run our households and the way we raise our children has also changed. These is so much pressure to be "supermom". Its not all about having spotless floors and making a 4 course meal. We are expected to be involved at school, teach at home to advance our kids, do crafts and activities, play and interact constantly. When is the last time you sent your preschooler outside to play all day, while you went inside to get things done? It just doesn't work like that anymore. If I ask my daughter, to "just go play", she looks at me like I'm an alien. She expects that I will be sitting down to play barbies too. Our lives are busy and full, and we feel guilty if some other mother has her 2-year-old writing their name and ours is still scribbling.

I feel like, if we could take a little of the 50's housewife and a little of the modern day mom, and combine the two thoughts, it would be so much better. There is something to be said about really making a house a home, and definitely something to be said about having an equal relationship with your partner.

Why Do We Try To Scare The Newbie?

Before I even begin, I will admit that I have been guilty of this a time or two.

Why do we try to scare other people? Why do we immediately go to the negative? It seems that the moment we find out that someone is getting married, or expecting their first child, others will begin to tell them all of their war stories.

Here are some examples of what I mean. "Oh, you're pregnant? Well kiss your sleep and your social life goodbye!" . . . . "Getting married huh? Well good luck with that." Seriously? Whatever happened to a simple "Congratulations"??? I recently heard a story, of a woman who announced she was pregnant, and was then bombarded with miscarriage statistics. To me, that's just mean.

Taking these major steps in your life, can be terrifying anyways, how is it going to help to point out all of the potential issues? Yes, new mothers and newly married couples, will have questions. They may even want advice, but let's give them a moment to breathe. Let's tell them all of the amazing things that will be headed their way. Does it somehow make us feel better to make them worry?

I know, that sometimes it feels good, to vent about the stressful situations in our lives. Those new parents and newly weds, will get there too someday. This doesn't mean that they want to hear all of our worst case scenarios, before they have even started. I had medical issues, during both of my pregnancies, and I cannot begin to tell you the stories I heard.. . . .  What do you say? Thank you?

Really, there is no initiation process. It's not like there is a written test or a handbook. They will figure it all out as they go. They need support and encouragement, probably more than they ever have.

Be kind to the newbie.....please!